I met Roger in 2017 and we have been living together for the last seven years. I work as a freelance video maker and Roger is the keyboard player in the band The Cure.

Late in 2023 Roger thought something was wrong with his health. He didn’t say anything to me to start with as he thought it wasn’t anything to worry about, but as it was getting worse he shared his concerns.

I immediately had this horrible feeling that ran through my body, just an instant feeling of anxiety and stress that something’s wrong. But I tried not to show it that much. I was angry he hadn’t told me before, because I would have made him go to the doctors earlier just to rule things out. We were about to go to Italy so we agreed he would get it checked out when we got back. It was difficult not to think about it too much at that time, so it was a relief when an ultrasound scan was organised for Roger. He texted immediately afterwards saying ‘Don’t get alarmed, but the lady is really worried.’ The ultrasound was followed by MRIs and other tests and I think that was the period where I was in a state of heightened stress and panic. I knew the tests take time, but I just wanted everything to happen faster.

Once the tests were done we were told the results would be given on one day, but they were delayed. That was the worst time. It was almost like we were in an awake coma and we were incapable of doing normal things. We would lay on the couch all day waiting for that phone call, looking at our phones every 10 minutes. The results came back. Roger was diagnosed with diffuse B-cell lymphoma. I had completely the opposite approach to Roger. He wanted to get into the smallest detail, whereas I didn’t want to look too deep into it because I thought it would cause a lot of worry. I try to stick to positive thinking, and as hard as it was, I still wanted to believe that everything would be fine.

“I kept saying this to Roger; that we’ll get through it and it will be OK in the end. I did not just say it just to make him calm: I deeply and profoundly believed it.

I just wanted to be there for Roger, but didn’t know how to protect him. At the same time I had to face my own thoughts of potential loss. That was pretty difficult to go through and I needed to shake it off. I had to focus on what I needed to do to be there for him. At this time my family and a few close friends were there for me.

I probably spoke to my family every day as I’m someone who needs to share, especially as my mind was 100% occupied with this. Seeing friends also helped and I think face-to-face communication with someone close really was important. But I also felt guilty going out and leaving Roger alone. Everything was put on hold. For both of us our focus just shifted on trying to get through this period of time. And I remember saying to friends of mine that it felt like we’d entered this long, dark, cold tunnel; not knowing what awaits us there or when we will see the light at the end of it.

When Roger was having treatment, the first days were the trickiest and I have never seen anyone so ill. The days after treatment, Roger slowly felt better, and I felt better because he did. This became a routine where about seven days before the next treatment we could do normal things like go out for walks. It was normality, but in a very different way. The time during treatment was actually easier than before the diagnosis when we were waiting and struggling with dark thoughts. Now we had a routine, and it was kind of calm. There were side effects to cope with. I suggested to Roger that he cut his hair short so that when it fell out, it wouldn’t be so traumatic. But it almost all fell out after the second treatment when we were at a family dinner. It was hard to watch; it was a really tangible way of seeing what he was going through.

Planning things for after treatment had finished was important. Having something to look forward to, like a vacation, where we could picture ourselves sitting in the sun. As Roger’s carer during this time, I felt anxiety all the time. Before every scan there was anxiety: what if something is going to come up now? Once we knew that the treatment was working we were a little more relaxed and just needed to push through. During this time I got a strong back pain and struggled to sit properly. I could only sleep on one side and it was just not going away. I thought it could have been the chair next to the bed when Roger was having chemotherapy, because I was sitting on it for 12 hours at a time. I went to physiotherapy and they said it wasn’t the chair, but stress. When treatment finished and Roger heard it had been successful, we were so happy. Life had consisted of going from appointment to appointment and treatment to treatment.